Emotional Eating: Making Peace with the Craving for Comfort

I have a confession to make. Despite everything I have learnt over the past few years, and despite all the wonderful habits I have built, I still fall into the emotional eating trap from time to time.

Just the other evening, after nine o'clock, following a particularly long and demanding day, I found myself standing in front of the drawer where we keep our stock of sweets and chocolates. Yes, we do have one. My stomach was definitely not empty. I had eaten a perfectly nutritious dinner a few hours earlier, and I was not physically hungry. Yet there I was, peering into the drawer and deciding which sweet treat I was going to have. I was literally salivating with anticipation.

In the past, a moment like that would have triggered an immediate internal battle. The strict critic in my head would have started lecturing me about my lack of self-control or discipline, and if I gave in and ate the chocolate, the rest of my evening would probably have been swallowed up by a heavy cloud of guilt.

But as I have got older, I am learning to handle these moments with a little more kindness.

When Food Became Comfort

Many years ago, during a very dark and traumatic period in my life, food became far more than just nourishment. It became comfort when I felt scared. It became company when I felt alone. It gave me something familiar to reach for when everything else felt uncertain, and on some of those difficult days, it honestly felt like my only true friend.

When you live through a time like that, it is easy for your brain to form a deep connection between difficult emotions and the soothing relief that food can provide. The pattern becomes familiar, and eventually it can happen almost without conscious thought. Something stressful happens, you feel overwhelmed or exhausted, and your brain quietly remembers, This is what made me feel better last time.

That is why I think telling ourselves simply to “have more willpower” misses the point. I have explored this relationship between food, habits and self-control in more detail in When Willpower Is Not Enough. When food has been associated with comfort for years, the craving is not always just about the food sitting in the cupboard. It can be about what that food represents: relief, reward, distraction, familiarity or simply a few minutes when nobody needs anything from you. Sometimes the chocolate is not really the thing we are craving at all. We are craving the feeling we have learnt to associate with it.

The Three-Second Pause

So, when a stressful day arrives now, my emotional brain can still reach for the tool it knows best. It does not judge me, and it offers something immediate and familiar. That old response has not disappeared simply because I have learnt more about nutrition or developed healthier habits.

When I stood in front of the drawer the other night, however, I did not scold myself. Instead, I introduced my trusted three-second pause. I took a deep breath and gently asked myself, “Frannie, are you actually hungry, or are you just looking for comfort?” The answer was clear. I was not hungry. I was exhausted, and I was looking for a way to unwind after a demanding day.

Acknowledging that feeling did not make the craving instantly disappear, but it changed the dynamic. I did not need to punish myself for wanting comfort, and I did not need to turn the decision to eat two blocks of chocolate into a moral failure. I simply needed to decide what I wanted to do next.

More Often Than Not I Eat The Chocolate

On that particular evening, I decided to have two blocks of chocolate. I did not stand there feeling guilty while I ate them, and I did not tell myself that I had ruined the day. I sat down, savoured them completely and carried on with my evening.

Other times, I recognise that what I really need is something completely different. I might make myself a soothing cup of rooibos tea and disappear into my creative world of designing greeting cards. Sometimes I simply need to step away from the kitchen, change my surroundings and give my brain something else to focus on.

The important difference for me is that I am beginning to recognise the choice rather than automatically handing control over to the craving. I can pause, notice what I am feeling and then decide what I actually want to do. Sometimes that means eating the chocolate. Sometimes it means closing the drawer and making tea. Neither choice needs to become a reason to beat myself up.

We Are Human

I think we sometimes expect ourselves to behave perfectly simply because we have learnt better habits. We imagine that once we know what we should do, we should always be able to do it. But knowing something intellectually and responding perfectly every single time are two very different things.

We are human, and life can be complicated. We have difficult days, stressful days, lonely days and days when we are simply exhausted. Sometimes an old habit will appear again, even after we thought we had left it behind. That does not mean all our progress has disappeared. It simply means that an old pathway still exists, and occasionally our tired brains will wander down it. Learning to recognise that critical voice has been an important part of my own journey, as I shared in The Voice in My Head: Coach or Critic? Rethinking Your Inner Voice After 60.

The secret is not in being perfect. The secret is in noticing what is happening, extending ourselves some grace when we stumble and then simply continuing.

One evening of emotional eating does not erase months or years of healthy choices. One chocolate bar does not define your relationship with food. And eating something simply because it made you feel better for a few minutes does not make you weak or lacking in discipline.

The Craving Is Not the Enemy

Perhaps this is the biggest change in the way I think about emotional eating now. I no longer see the craving itself as the enemy. A craving is simply information.

It might be telling you that you are hungry, although sometimes it is telling you something completely different. Perhaps you are tired. Perhaps you have had an emotionally draining day. Perhaps you need comfort, connection, relaxation or simply a little reward after getting through something difficult.

The next time you find yourself standing in front of the cupboard or refrigerator looking for something to eat when you know you are not physically hungry, perhaps try pausing before you automatically reach for something. Take a breath and ask yourself a simple question: “What am I actually looking for right now?”

You might discover that you really do want the chocolate. And that is okay. You might discover that you need a cup of tea, a bath, a walk, a conversation, a good book, some music or simply twenty quiet minutes to yourself. The point is not to make the “right” choice every time. The point is to make a conscious choice rather than an automatic one.

Making Peace With Food

I think there is something incredibly freeing about reaching a place where food no longer has to be divided into perfectly good choices and terrible choices. Of course, nourishing our bodies matters enormously, and I still care very much about what I eat. But I no longer want every decision involving food to become a test of my character.

Sometimes I will eat something because it is nutritious and my body needs it. Sometimes I will eat something because I genuinely enjoy it. And sometimes, after a long day, I might eat two blocks of chocolate because they taste wonderful and give me a few minutes of pleasure.

The difference is that I no longer believe I have to feel guilty afterwards. If you are looking for practical ways to make healthier food choices without feeling deprived, you might also enjoy Smart Swaps That Make Healthy Eating Easier.

For me, making peace with emotional eating does not mean pretending that emotional eating does not happen. It means becoming curious about it. It means understanding where the craving comes from, giving myself a moment to pause and then making a choice without turning that choice into a judgement about who I am.

Keep Going

I have learnt that progress does not mean reaching a point where we never fall back into an old habit. Sometimes progress simply means that when we do, we recognise it sooner and recover more gently.

Perhaps that is what growing older has taught me more than anything else. I do not need to be perfect to be healthy. I do not need to win every battle with myself. I do not need to spend an evening punishing myself because I ate something I had not planned to eat.

I can simply notice what happened, understand why it happened, make the next choice and carry on. Because ultimately, your worth is never measured by what you ate on a Tuesday evening after nine o'clock.

You are still you the next morning. And you can simply begin again.

So, I have to ask you — honestly: Do you also find yourself wandering into the kitchen after a heavy day, looking for comfort rather than food? Have you ever stopped to ask yourself what you are really craving in that moment? Perhaps it is food, but perhaps it is rest, comfort, distraction or simply a little kindness. How do you practise kindness with yourself when an old habit knocks on the door? Let us start a gentle, judgement-free conversation in the comments below and remind each other that we are all beautifully human.

— Frannie ☕